Fight On!

Tonight, Manny Pacquiao is fighting Miguel Cotto. As a huge Filipino icon, there's bound to be parties and get-togethers tonight to watch the big fight. My family is no exception. Plus, it's my brother's birthday, and so there's bound to be some extra fun. Go Manny!

I changed the layout. Again. Unfortunately, my tastes change far too often, and I don't even know how long I'm going to keep this layout. As for now, it's good. Also, I changed the title of the blog, and the tagline. I think it encapsulated more about who I am. I may not know where I'm going in life, or what exactly I want and need in life, but I always know that I should really stop dwelling on the negative and really start looking at what I can do better, or look at my own situation in comparison to others. I'm in a pretty good situation, and as a woman, I feel incredibly grateful that I don't experience any sort of major injustices that women experience in general throughout the world.

The title of this post really is just to be much more positive. I've got a gnarly schedule next week, and I have to keep pushing on, or try to be motivated about studying. It's definitely not going to be easy, but I have to try. I didn't do well on the first exam for genetics, and I feel pressured to do much better, like a B. There's a lot of work to do, as some of the processes are not easy to grasp. I just need to motivate myself, that's all.

It's tough right now to be motivated- the Lakers have games, I think I have a crush on one of my friends in my T/Th meetups, and I have to be focused. Wish me luck!

Lab update

hmmm. I'm running an experiment and there's a lot of downtime. How do I spend it? By wasting time and taking quizzes on facebook of course!

What's your Inner Nationality? GERMAN. You are precise yet romantic, efficient yet dreamy, friendly yet somewhat suspicious of others. You rarely smile, but when you do it's very meaningful. You like it best when there is a group consensus, and yet you are easily annoyed by the slowness and/or stupidity of others. Sometimes you think that if only you could live on an island or move to some wonderful place far away, everything would be better, and if you can't realize this dream you often lose yourself in books/vacations/recipes/sports -- anything for an escape! All in all, however, you make your peace with life, and have many old friends.

Ok, never mind. I realize I should be a lot more productive. I just read what I wrote this morning, and yeah, I should follow it. Until next time!

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life/Semester Update!

So it's nearing the midpoint of the semester. Hmmm. Unfortunately, I feel that I've been rather mediocre in a lot of my classes and I think I'm ready to step it up. At least, I'll have to try in some capacity. So here's what's going on:

• In the lab, I've been feeling a bit guilty- I haven't really been spending too much time here, and I feel like I really need to be taking some time out of my day to really devote myself to it, instead of just kinda going when I want to. I also am feeling a bit weird, as I'm hardly ever talking to the professor leading the lab. You'd think that we'd be spending more time together, but apparently not. It's just been sorta awkward. I think I need to exert more effort on that front too.
• Genetics it taking up a lot of time. The professor isn't as scary as before, but she does keep you on your toes. Have to keep working. Lots of reading. I still haven't gotten back my first exam, so I'm still tentative as to how I'm approaching this class, and whether or not I need to crank it up a notch or what.
  
• Biochem is a really tough class. unfortunately, I'm not really spending a lot of time with it. It's hard to focus on something that I frankly don't find that interesting. I have a quiz on Thursday, so I'll have to work on it more.
• Mycology is so irritating. It's such an easy class, yet I'm getting a B in it. I'm working waaay to hard to just get a B. I want a A. It's 5 units!
• Molec Cell is just like the unwanted child. No attention at all. I want an A in that too, but I got a high C/low B on that test. It's tricky, since all the questions are multiple choice. Thankfully, it's a furlough day, as I've been fighting back sleep every time I'm in that class.

Over the weekend, I saw the musical Spamalot and I found it absolutely enjoyable/hilarious. I am not Dead yet! Hopefully, when I get more money, I can get Monty Python and the Holy Grail on DVD. Absolutely brilliant. Also, I introduced my friend to mineral makeup. OMG she loves it. I swear by this stuff, so I'm really happy to spread the joy all around.

Unfortunately, I'm still unemployed, but I'm dealing with it. I'm not actively looking for a job, and I've got a lot on my plate already.

Over the weekend, I was watching old episodes of House and I realized how much I love the old episodes. The dynamic between House and the other characters, especially his team, was just so much better. The new characters just suck. Whiny and honestly take a lot of the plot. I don't really think anyone else really likes them either. Chase. Cameron. Foreman. That's the way to go. and more Wilson too. and cuddy. especially when Cuddy and Wilson are acting like House's parents, dealing with a petulant child.

Oh, and Jim and Pam got married! So sweet. I loved that episode. Classic Office. I honestly couldn't stop laughing when Dwight kicked the bridesmaid in the face! LOL and poor Andy, getting a rip in his scrotum!

And I know this is getting ridiculous with all the television shows, but OMG I love the show Glee! So fantastic. It really is a breath of fresh air. Plus, the songs are just great. Honestly, that's pretty much all I listen to now.

Fall '09

I initially wanted to have the "annoying" post and this one put together in one super-post since I haven't posted in a while. However, I did find that I had quite a bit of annoyances in my life that I felt it was taking all the attention away from the fact that the new school year started. Anyway, like discussed in the previous post, briefly, the university is broke, so there are quite a few furlough days. Honestly, I do feel guilty, as I don't think I utilized mine to the full potential. It's okay though, my grandma had cataract surgery, so I was a the hospital for a few hours. So, I just wanted to say that I like having most of the people I know and like in the same classes as me. It's been interesting, to say the least.

class reviews!

• Mycology/Parasitology- The professor for this class is so funny and kinda sweet at the same time. I really like him. He's rather elderly, sort of like a cool grandpa to be honest. A friend of mine took this class last semester and she had positve thing to say, so I'm looking forward to the rest of the class. He does have a rather distracting comb-over though, and sometimes find myself looking at it, but honestly, I think he's such a cool guy, I'll let it slide.

• Molecular Biology- The professor of this class seems like a nice woman. She cracks jokes sometimes and she's really clear in presenting material. Plus, she gives little questions like a study guide, which is great. I also have this class with a friend, so it's even better. Not going to lie, though, the class seems to drag on for what seems like 2x the length of the normal class time.

• Microbial Genetics- I had a rather bad first meeting with this professor. She's a bit intense, and she caught me a bit off guard. During roll, she called me by my middle name, and then proceeded to tell me to speak up or be dropped from her class. Scary, to say the least. Still, she seems tough, but really knowledgeable in the material. I think I'll be enjoying her class.

• Biochemistry I- Wow. Let me just say that. The professor for this class is kinda scary. He's pretty tough and I'm not quite sure yet how I feel about him. He goes through things rather quickly and doesn't speak very loudly. I think I'm going to spend a lot of time going over the material.

Lab work's been going rather well. However, with the furlough and the 3 day weekend too, I'm finding it rather difficult to run experiments, especially as I need to check on them every few days and stuff. I need to just keep working.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who gets distracted rather easily. Not good, as I recently am totally addicted to the show Glee. It's amazing. Screw the people who say it's like High School Musical. Totally not. Anyway, my Wednesdays will be filled with that show. I'm feeling rather lucky that the Lakers don't start playing until October, or else I'll really be distracted. I <3 those guys. Can't wait for them to get their rings. Too bad about Trevor. and I hope Pau gets his finger healed in time for the EuroBasket. I know it's important for him to play.

God, please give me strength to not blow up. I need to be functioning this week.

Dealing with annoying

So the Fall Semester has officially begun last week, and it's been interesting. I'll give a run-down of each individual professor/class in a bit, but I needed to get some things off my chest first. To begin with, since I'm at the upper-division level, a lot of my classes are with the same people. I really like that, as it's easier to make friends, easier to ask questions, and you know most of the people you're with. It's good. Unfortunately, along with the positive things, there are negatives. For example, if there's an annoying person, you have to deal with that person too. Case in point: last semester, I was taking two classes with one person, back to back, so it would make sense to walk to the other class with the other person. Well, at the end of last semester, we talked about the future, grad school, and how we would need recommendation letters. So, I took the initiative, emailed professors, and ultimately, got the gig at the micro ecology lab on campus. I really like it. The people are nice, I get excited when I see my cultures grow, and I honestly think I'm learning quite a bit. So, when the new semester came around, I gave this person an update, and honestly, I think the person got a nudge and now might be working in the same place as me. Now, typically, I wouldn't really be upset. However, I am finding myself not liking this person that much, and I feel pretty smothered by this person. First of all, I needed to speak to the professor running the lab, and the person felt like he should come along. I don't know if I'm properly explaining my irritation but I am rather irritated. I'm the kind of person who likes to do things alone, like drive alone, shop alone. So for me, I feel pretty damn smothered when people go with me on my errands. I don't want to wish ill on anyone, but I honestly hope this person doesn't get the job in my lab, or I hope this person is never there when I am. Dealing with this person is enough in classes. I just feel that certain sectors of my life should never mix. Certain groups of friends stay in certain groups, and they just don't intermingle, and I'm totally okay with that. I'll just have to be curt as much as possible. I think that sometimes, just giving people the cold treatment is the best thing. Hopefully, they get the hint.

Funny, this person hangs out with another person that I knew that liked to smother other people, liked to call all the time, just be annoying. I wonder if that's some sort of coincidence or not.

Here's another thing. The other day, I went to my friend's house to hang out and unfortunately, her brother's family was there too. Now here's the thing. I hate her brother. He's so annoying and he thinks he knows everything. As a result, he keeps talking to you and it's about something you don't want to hear about. Oh, and his wife works where I used to work. She's the one that got me the job. Anyway, she's really sweet. He's not. So when I came over to see my friend, I was not happy to see him there. I keep thinking, please please don't talk to me and just watch your kids and talk to your parents instead. Alas, not so lucky. To make matters worse, the first thing he says to me is , "So I heard you got laid off at work." Oh gee. Thanks for rubbing that in my face. So I try to play it off, by saying "It's alright. I mean, well, what can I do, you know, the university is broke." Then he proceeds to say: "That's not true. It's the budget that's the problem." "Well, yeah, I know. I've been getting long emails about that from the university." I think to myself, gosh, my self-esteem is in the dumpster right now. Just please, you made a very bad attempt at small talk, so you can go away now. Still unlucky. He starts talking about the budget. First, I don't like talking to him, and to make matters worse, he talks about the last thing I ever want to talk about. Politics. So he asks a rather invasive question, "so what political party do you belong to?". I answer honestly, hoping he won't keep asking more. Then, he proceeds to talk about Obama's health care reform plans and asks how I feel about it. I tell him, "honestly, I don't know enough about it to really make an informed decision, but I know it's been in the news a lot recently". Apparently, that's not enough to send him away, and he tells me a lot of things, especially about how Obama is a socialist and how I should be complaining and pretty much urging my congressman to vote against it. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's when people try to push a particular political agenda in my face. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed off about that. Definitely not helping me like you more. Go away.

workin' day and night

On Friday, my boss told me that I would be let go by the start of the Fall Semester. Honestly, for the last few months, I felt like I wanted to quit, due to the fact that I wasn’t getting a lot of hours, and the hours weren’t really that great for my schedule. Still, even though the situation was really tough, I always felt that the job was safe, and that I had a good hourly rate. Plus, with all the crazy unemployment in the country and in the state, recently, I’ve felt that just having a job was a good thing. Over the last few weeks, a lot of the staff members were going to union meetings to discuss scary things like furloughs and layoffs. So of course I had no reason to think my job was secure. Now that I’ve been given the warning and by the end of the month I’ll be unemployed, I’m scared. Over the last year and a half, I’ve been able to pay for my own expenses and had some sort of independence. It’ll be a weird feeling having to borrow money from my parents for awhile. Searching for a job will be rather difficult, given that most companies aren’t hiring and that I’m a full-time student. Wish me luck.

Outgrowing your childhood

Occasionally, I like to get nostalgic about my childhood and so I watch old cartoons, shows and movies from when I was younger. Some of those things include: Pokemon, Power Rangers, good nickToons like Rocko’s Modern Life, Backstreet Boys, etc. Essentially, it’s all the stuff from the mid to late ‘90s when I was growing up. In any case, I’m worried that Harry Potter is now falling into the same category. See, Harry Potter was such a huge thing for me. I know it’s wasn’t really part of the same time period, but it was still a big deal.

I wasn’t really into it that much when the first three books came out. I remember seeing all three at Costco and my Auntie bought me book 1 and I got the other two. I remember buying book 4 when it came out and by then I was absolutely hooked. I dragged my dad and my brother, ultimately, for book 5, and I inhaled that book. I absolutely was thinking all about what the next sorts of things would happen in the last two books of the series. For book 6, I will never forget my experience. I was overseas, and I really wanted my book. I dragged my aunt to the local bookstore and saw the piles of Harry Potter books at the front of the store. I grabbed one, and was on my way to the checkout line. As I was walking there, I looked at the pricetag, did a little mental conversion of what the price would be in USD. It turned out to be around $35-40. I was not happy, and I didn’t have enough money on hand. I left the bookstore empty-handed. Thankfully, my dad called me later that afternoon. I told him that when I arrived, I wanted him to hand me the book, and I would pay him back later. So I waited two looooong weeks for my book. Funny enough, my dad didn’t have it because he didn’t know what I was talking about. I got in the car and bought the first copy I saw. For book 7, I went to the midnight thing. I had to get it. I slept at 4am after I got the book around 1am. I finished the book in 3 days.

I was so excited when the movies came out, but was quickly disappointed when I saw them. I didn’t like how a lot of things were cut out, or plotlines were changed. Sure, I understood that film is a different sort of medium to convey the story, but I guess I was spoiled by Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson put everything possible in those films, so true to the source material, that it was like a fan had made the film. Absolutely epic in every way. So I’ve been upset for awhile about the films, but I still enjoyed it. However, something strange started happening after watching book 5. I absolutely was bored with the film, and it was becoming worse for book 6.

Similarly, even for the books, as I look back on it, Book 5 really did show a turning point for me. When book 5 ended, like I said, I had little ideas of what would happen next. When I read book 6, I was a bit disappointed. I felt that everything that happened at the end of book 5 really had little bearing on the later books. There was nothing about the veil, the weird stuff at the Ministry, none of it. Instead, book 6 was really about the whole growing up thing, which was nice, since they were teenagers, but it just felt she could have added more in book 5 too, or something, and the horcruxes were sprung on really suddenly too. It just seemed so unbelievable for Harry to find and destroy all the Horcruxes in one single book. Sure enough, he did, but I just felt like it was loaded with deus ex machina and rushed plot and unnecessary killing.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love Harry Potter. I will still watch the movies, because I feel like I owe it to myself to see how the series ends. It was just such a huge part of my life. I still reread the books and feel the magic that captivated me years ago. The only thing different now is that I’ve moved on, and I feel that it’s just a natural thing to do so. I think that if I ever have children, I want them to read these books and feel the same magic and thrill when I read them. Still, I think the most important thing to do when feeling nostalgic is to look back and think “I was into this stuff?”. It’s not exactly necessary to enjoy it now like I did before, but to appreciate it and move on.

living overseas

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been watching the Tour de France. Occasionally I catch the prime time coverage, and they have plenty of shots of the French/Spanish/Swiss landscape that are absolutely beautiful. The hills are so green, the buildings look like what I always imagined what a small European town looked like, the sky so blue. It’s a fantastic sight to see. Hopefully, one day, I could be there, watching the cyclists pass by me, and join in the ruckus of the spectators in the Alps or Pyrenees. It’ll be an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

In any case, this post isn’t really about living in the French countryside. Over the last year or so, I’ve lost three of my very good, if not best, friends who have moved out of the country for schooling. The three of them are currently living overseas to attend university. It’s strange to talk to them, hear about their experiences. First of all, their classes are in English, but outside of that, the entire country speaks another language, which they aren’t entirely familiar with. When I find myself thinking about them and what they’re possibly doing at this hour, I wonder if they’re in class, sleeping, hailing a cab, eating, arguing with a local, whatever. I miss them.

Yesterday, I was able to talk to the moms of two of them. As parents, they worry and miss them. They shared their experiences, and some of them I could relate to, like the language barriers, the racism against foreigners, the culture shock, the higher level of independence, etc. Definitely, they are a lot stricter about academics over there. You have to stand when the teacher calls you, the full load of classes is like 30 units(!) and even at the university level, there’s uniforms. Honestly, I always used to get scared about public transportation there, as the drivers want to make as much money as possible, and they cram as many people as possible in the vehicle ,which would be very uncomfortable, considering that you didn’t know some of those people. There’s security guards everywhere, who open doors for you. It was kinda nice actually, feeling like a celebrity.

Funny, my mom asked me if I could handle it. I told her I would probably cry. I think I’m fairly strong, but I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit of a snob, and I worry the locals might not like me. Still, I’ve visited the country numerous times in my childhood. Now that I’m an adult, I wonder if I could just jump right in and do it: take public transportation, not be scared to cross the street, budget my money totally like pay all the bills, clean up, etc. I worry about fitting in and me not getting homesick. When I was younger, after about a week or so, I would throw a tantrum and whine, saying I wanted to go home. With all the problems that my friends went through with immigration, I know they think twice about quitting and going home. I wish them the absolute best. I wonder if I could handle it. I suppose I never really had the full college experience, so my feelings are different.

So now, I reflect back on my whole France dream-experience. I took a semester of French, and when watching the stage coverage during the Tour, there’s a conglomerate of different people from different places (just look at all those flags- where is that the flag of?!). Will I be okay/strong enough to interact with the locals, other spectators and have a good time, or will I cry about it and wish I was home? Ultimately, I wish I was as determined as my friends. Being out of your comfort zone is really hard. Hopefully I can use this as some sort of motivational tool to get me out of my shell. We’ll see.

"Celebrate with Dignity"

Yesterday, I went to the Lakers parade. It was quite a bit of fun, but in no way did I think most people were “celebrating with dignity”. Right after the Lakers won the championship, immediately after, there was a commercial with Kobe, Phil, Derek, maybe Pau, I can’t remember exactly. All of them were saying how the fans represented the team, and how our celebrating should show other people how Laker fans celebrate, and we should celebrate with dignity. Exactly. However, I did think it was really ridiculous how the players have to tell you to do that. It’s plainly obvious that you should celebrate in a classy way.

There’s something stupid about LA fans though. About 10 minutes after airing that commercial, a small riot broke out in downtown LA, right outside Staples Center. Needless to say, it was really embarrassing, as that sort of behavior was in no way a reflection of how I celebrate Laker victories, or how other people I know celebrate. It’s one thing to loot a store and sell it for money or keep it for yourself. However, it’s a completely other thing to loot from a store and then just burn everything you stole. It was disgusting and embarrassing. I hope other sports fans don’t think all Laker fans are this way.

Unfortunately, stupid behavior was happening the day of the parade too. Maybe just at the Coliseum where I was, but I think I’m going to follow my Mom’s advice and just go to the parade route instead if I ever go again. In any case, it was about 7 in the morning when we arrived. The people in front of us were drinking beer and smoking in the line. Come on people, I understand breakfast sandwiches and coffee, but alcohol at that hour?! It’s just so sad that there were children in line with them. Other people there had the decency to go step out of the line for a moment and go a distance away and smoke. At one point, I smelled marijuana and was really disgusted. The worst part was, the guy in front of me had a joint in his pocket and was totally going to smoke it right in front of me. Gross. When they opened the gates, it was absolute mayhem. Let’s just say that some people really need to use deodorant, and people need to stop pushing. It was pretty horrible.

Anyway, I got to see the Lakers, although far away, and it was cool to be part of the experience. I learned a lot of things. First, always bring sunscreen. Second, bring a jacket. Not for wearing, but as a sun shield. Third, there are a lot of dumb fans, so be patient, or try to be tolerant. I hate to make this politically charged, but a lot of the dumb fans belong to a particular ethnic group. I don’t know why that is, but try to stay classy. Fourth, despite my love for Trevor Ariza, I think we would not get along in real life. He likes 'lil Wayne, Kanye, T-Pain, and his favorite car is an Escalade. Oh no. I think Trevor can still be one of my favorite Lakers, but hell, I'm marrying Pau instead :] Fifth, the guys are so cute in person. They’re total guys, jumping into each other, it was very good to see. Go get ‘em next year~!

Ups, downs, and basketball

After such a tough loss, I always feel horrible. The feeling doesn’t go away until the next game and there’s a W. Otherwise, the feeling just gets even worse. Thankfully the game is tomorrow, so it doesn’t have time to really sink in and make me really mad. Nonetheless, you really have to credit the other team. They played out of their minds last night, and they only won by 4. Kobe was not very clutch at the end of the game, and our defense was incredibly spotty. Funny thing was, Kobe was playing fairly well in the first quarter, then something happened in the second, and his shots weren’t going in. The trend continued well until the end of the game. It was very upsetting. Plus, Lamar and Andrew did not show up. Pau had brain farts all over the place. For such tall, skilled players, that sort of performance is not acceptable in any way at all.

Yesterday, I was really nervous about finally starting lab work. I was scared that the Masters’ students would be a bit scary, and that the Summer Bridge students would be fantastic and I would look like an idiot. I was pleasantly surprised. The Bridge students were very nice, although two of them seemed rather bored, and just wanted to get out of there, as they were checking their cell phones rather frequently. The other one seemed more interested, and from what I saw, didn’t check his cell phone, thankfully. The other undergrad, Emily, seemed really nice and sweet. I think she’s a lot younger than I am, maybe a sophomore? Not sure. The Master student teaching us seemed really nice and a bit dorky, reminded me of a girl I knew in high school- a bit homely looking, a bit of a geek, but really nice. The process of making things wasn’t that difficult. Nonetheless, there’s a weird feeling about how there’s not a whole lot of supervision. Pretty much, the Master’s student is the one you look to for stuff. I’m coming by again on Thursday, and I’m pretty excited. I’ve gotten over the first sort of initial anxiety, and I’m really willing to learn more. I’ve already signed a form to get a key to the building, so I feel pretty legit right now. I just hope that the Masters’ student teaches me how to do things in time for the Lakers game. Wow do I have my priorities in order.

On an unrelated note, I was listening this morning on ESPN radio. I didn’t really feel like listening to music, and I like to hear what other people think about the Lakers. I sometimes listen to the station the games are broadcast on, but they were talking about baseball, and frankly, I don’t care. The announcer guy, I dunno who he was, but had a kind of annoying voice, was talking about ratings of the NBA versus the NHL. It’s pretty obvious, in America, football reigns supreme, with baseball as a very close second. To me though, I was always a really big fan of basketball, and football’s ok, and baseball’s boring. I never really thought much about hockey at all. I always put it in the same category as soccer and rugby. Fun, but not very popular in America. I figured hockey was really popular in cold places, like Canada and Russia, where ice is everywhere, though with global warming, who knows. Similarly with soccer and rugby, sure in England and pretty much everywhere else in the world where futbol reigns supreme. To me, it just is really dumb to even compare basketball versus hockey. Of course basketball gets more ratings! So when the radio guy said that the NBA gets about 4x the amount of viewers the NHL does, it didn’t surprise me at all. But it’s interesting, when I consider that both sports are in their championship phase. The NHL has the Stanley Cup going on right now, and it’s game 6, so it has to be a pretty big deal, especially with the series going that far. The NBA has the Finals going on right now, but it’s only game 3, with the home team in a must-win situation. One guy called in and said that looking at ratings for the NHL wasn’t accurate at all, as the game is only exciting when you’re at the game. That may be true, but the sport gets LOTS of money from TV. If it’s not exciting on TV, then what?

I do have lots to say about the basketball issue, but I feel rather uninspired to talk about it at length. My broski is graduating from high school today, so congratulations to everyone in the Class of ’09!

Cheers!

don't be afraid of the censor button

I am SO sick of the stupid song by Pitbull or whoever that goes “One, two, three, four, uno, does, tres, quarto, I know you want me, you know I want ‘cha” followed by some rather vulgar things in Spanish. Now, aside from the fact that the song is INCREDIBLY annoying, it says some pretty vulgar things, and it’s not even remotely censored on the radio. I mean, come on, this is LA. A lot of people speak Spanish. So yes, it is a big deal, when a kid with relatively ok Spanish-speaking skills hears it and asks mom what that means.

This issue came to my attention when I was with my brother, who’s taking AP Spanish. The song came on the radio, and I asked him if he understood what the guy was saying. He listens, and he says something like “I know you have a big mouth… so we can play?”, followed by “Ewww. That’s dirty.” Lots of songs totally get censored due to language/content, like Britney Spears’ song “If You Seek Amy” that’s changed to “If You See Amy” to change the vulgarity, and obviously bad words like the f-bomb are censored out, or changed to something else. That’s fine, the radio stations don’t want to get fined by the FCC. Sometimes, potentially dirty things are downplayed, as to not seem so bad. Now I’m not entirely sure about this, but Lil Wayne’s song “Lollipop” is changed too, where instead of him saying “She lick me like a lollipop”, it’s downplayed to sound more like “Lick like a lollipop”, downplaying what he’s really saying. It’s so unfortunate that every single song out there is just overtly sexual. There are so many other things you can sing about, and it’s sad that everyone only talks about that. Radio stations should definitely reconsider their opinion/ policy on content, regardless of language.

I wanna be sedated

The other day, I had a “reunion” with my old classmates from my lower division science classes. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself and it felt good to be around them again. Flash forward essentially two years, and a lot has changed. One said that basically we’re jaded and fatter. So true. But to the more pressing issue. Lots of them have changed majors, to something less hardcore. The others have stuck with it like I have, and really, we’ve all had our issues. One got all C’s one semester. Another is considering taking a class a third time. The other probably is feeling really jaded too. In any case, I feel SO jaded and unsure of myself.

This year was truly the worst. The friends that I had all pretty much decided to move on from the classes we had and it’s become much harder to see them regularly. Frankly, it is harder to make friends at this point in the game. But seriously, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to focus, find interest in what I’m doing. It’s just so ridiculous. I find myself uninterested and willing to coast through classes. For the first time in college, I’m retaking classes, getting D’s. It’s putting me behind and I’m getting more pressure from my parents, family and peers to graduate on time. Sure, I could, if I kamikaze it through the last year, but even then, there’s no guarantee of anything.

I really liked reading back to last summer, and just feeling so free, so happy. My friends were in this country, not abroad in the Philippines, partying it up. I felt a strong sense of hope and renewal in what was to come. Ochem 1 was bad, but I had part 2 to make up for it. The Olympics were on, I spent a lot of time watching that. I was working longer hours, I was maybe ready for something new for my upper division classes. I was excited to be actually starting my microbiology classes. I knew that I had a chance to makeup for what I was doing. It would all be okay, my GPA would come up, and I would be a happy person again.

Unfortunately, that never happened. I got a D in physics, and I’m so worried about my other class. I hope seriously that he passes me. I hope with my entire soul that he does. As a result my GPA fell like a rock. I retook ochem and realized that I still couldn’t get an A out of it. I’m thinking that I need to get out, just refresh my mind and renew my spirit. I feel broken inside, isolated. It’s strange, my friends know me for being bubbly, a bit of a klutz, essentially this upbeat person. Yet, I don’t feel that way at all. I’ve had deeper and darker thoughts about myself, the future, what it holds for me and for other people. I just feel that my whole life I’ve been making the “right decisions” and been vanilla and playing it safe. I just don’t know anymore.

I got this awesome opportunity to work in a research laboratory this summer, fall, etc. but I’m scared that I might not get it because my grades are so bad. Never in my life have I ever though about this. I’ve never thought that I’d worry about passing classes, getting oodles of C’s and just trying not to get on academic probation. I seriously hope that I can weather the storm, make myself feel ok, get out and feel renewed and happy again. I know that girl is in there somewhere. I need to get out, I need to just find myself again, instead of just going through the motions. I wonder all along, is this the path that I should be on? Have I essentially wasted my whole college career? I need to be positive, be myself, and push myself to be the person I know I can be, instead of the shell of my former self. I can do this, I know I can.