The other day, I had a “reunion” with my old classmates from my lower division science classes. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself and it felt good to be around them again. Flash forward essentially two years, and a lot has changed. One said that basically we’re jaded and fatter. So true. But to the more pressing issue. Lots of them have changed majors, to something less hardcore. The others have stuck with it like I have, and really, we’ve all had our issues. One got all C’s one semester. Another is considering taking a class a third time. The other probably is feeling really jaded too. In any case, I feel SO jaded and unsure of myself.
This year was truly the worst. The friends that I had all pretty much decided to move on from the classes we had and it’s become much harder to see them regularly. Frankly, it is harder to make friends at this point in the game. But seriously, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to focus, find interest in what I’m doing. It’s just so ridiculous. I find myself uninterested and willing to coast through classes. For the first time in college, I’m retaking classes, getting D’s. It’s putting me behind and I’m getting more pressure from my parents, family and peers to graduate on time. Sure, I could, if I kamikaze it through the last year, but even then, there’s no guarantee of anything.
I really liked reading back to last summer, and just feeling so free, so happy. My friends were in this country, not abroad in the Philippines, partying it up. I felt a strong sense of hope and renewal in what was to come. Ochem 1 was bad, but I had part 2 to make up for it. The Olympics were on, I spent a lot of time watching that. I was working longer hours, I was maybe ready for something new for my upper division classes. I was excited to be actually starting my microbiology classes. I knew that I had a chance to makeup for what I was doing. It would all be okay, my GPA would come up, and I would be a happy person again.
Unfortunately, that never happened. I got a D in physics, and I’m so worried about my other class. I hope seriously that he passes me. I hope with my entire soul that he does. As a result my GPA fell like a rock. I retook ochem and realized that I still couldn’t get an A out of it. I’m thinking that I need to get out, just refresh my mind and renew my spirit. I feel broken inside, isolated. It’s strange, my friends know me for being bubbly, a bit of a klutz, essentially this upbeat person. Yet, I don’t feel that way at all. I’ve had deeper and darker thoughts about myself, the future, what it holds for me and for other people. I just feel that my whole life I’ve been making the “right decisions” and been vanilla and playing it safe. I just don’t know anymore.
I got this awesome opportunity to work in a research laboratory this summer, fall, etc. but I’m scared that I might not get it because my grades are so bad. Never in my life have I ever though about this. I’ve never thought that I’d worry about passing classes, getting oodles of C’s and just trying not to get on academic probation. I seriously hope that I can weather the storm, make myself feel ok, get out and feel renewed and happy again. I know that girl is in there somewhere. I need to get out, I need to just find myself again, instead of just going through the motions. I wonder all along, is this the path that I should be on? Have I essentially wasted my whole college career? I need to be positive, be myself, and push myself to be the person I know I can be, instead of the shell of my former self. I can do this, I know I can.
