Friends laugh together

I am so grateful for my friends. A former friend during my childhood has said really hurtful things behind my back. The things she said really tried to sway my friends away from me, to let them know that I was bad news, and they really shouldn't be associating with me. However, these people gave me the benefit of the doubt, still tried to be my friend, and now we are closer than ever. It's really comforting to know that people have your back and that they gave you a chance.

Friends sing together, la, la, la, la
Friends do things together, la, la, la, la
Friends laugh together, ha, ha, ha, ha
Friends make graphs together, la, la, la, la

Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on your face

Friends are the ones on whom you can depend
He's my friend, he's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there in the end
He's my friend, they're not my friends

If you trip over I'll catch you fall
If you kick my dick I won't break your balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely

If you cross the road and a truck struck you
I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if your depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge your death

Friends walk together, la, la, la, la
Pop and lock together, zhu, zu, zee zhu
Me and him together, la, la, la, la
Me and Jim forever

Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay it back
Friends do not let friends to crack
Friends go out and grab a snack

Friends drink beer in the sun
And like girlfriends that don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when your fly's undone
Murry your fly's undone

My uncle John had a special friend
They dressed alike his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They were very, very friendly men

La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends
La, la, la, la, ping

Mingling

Like most people, I have separate social circles. Not too long ago, I let two of them mix, and right now, I'm not sure if I particularly like my decision to do that. So one group are my two high school friends, lets call them Lisa and Ramona. I've been in and out of touch with them since high school, but since my college graduation, I've been seeing them more and more. the other group of friends, who are super dear to my heart, I'll call them The Boosh. I've gotten so close to them over the last year, I'll call them Trini (who I've known for my entire life, pretty much), Paul (who I've also known for most of my life, and is younger than the rest), Laura (Trini's best friend since high school, known for a year), and Trini's boyfriend Jensen (who I've also known for like a year). However, Jensen, Trini and Laura all went to high school with this guy, Sean, who isn't really a regular with The Boosh group, just a friend that they see every now and then.

so here's the problem:

So the Boosh group, that I'm a part of, are really really tight. We make huge efforts to hang out as much as possible, and take our outings very seriously. It's really weird if one of us happens to be missing. So, of course, with a group as tight as ours, we make a lot of plans- to see LOVE, the Cirque du Soleil show that's Beatles focused, as we play Beatles RockBand pretty much every week. It's a big part of our happenings, which mostly consist of us hanging out at Trini's, and smoking hookah. Other plans include "Magical Mystery Tour", that involves Beatle-like transcendental experience, if you know what I mean. So those are our big plans, but we make little ones, like where we plan on eating, or how to celebrate big occasions. I know it sounds like such a bitchy/snobby thing to say, but we don't take well to people adding themselves into our group. For example, Sean isn't part of our group, really. If he shows up, then okay, but we won't necessarily miss him if he's not there.

As of now, Trini is out of the country, visiting family, and the Boosh has really tried to cope without her here.

So here's how Ramona and Lisa fit in. Of course, like any normal person, in conversation, I relate my experiences and thoughts, and surely, my friends figure in to what I talk about. I know that Ramona is a Beatles fan, and is quite artistic like Trini and I thought that she would be a nice person to bring over, randomly, and that she might be a "floater", like Sean is. Lisa, I wasn't too sure about. If you didn't get the point from above, the Boosh group is pretty chill, and we don't really go out often and all. Lisa, however, is quite the opposite, as she likes dancing, going out, drinking, whatever. I tell my Boosh friends about my friends, and one day, Jensen told me to invite them over to the bar he goes to, as we were planning on drinking that night.

Okay, so Jensen, Laura, and I go pick up the two girls and we go to the bar, where Sean is also a regular. Obviously, Paul is not of age, and does not factor into this part of the story. In any case, we all get drunk, whatever, and Sean obviously clicks with my friends. Lisa is a total flirt to him, and Ramona shares his passion for creating (he writes, she draws). In any case, this type of behavior pretty much continues for a week or so- just a lot of drinking, which isn't really normal of the Boosh crew at all.

As this behavior was shocking to me, I talked to Laura, who I'm very close to. We both shared a lot of the same ideas, that it wasn't fair that Paul was suddenly being shut out of our plans, that we typically aren't a bunch of drunks, and that frankly, Sean wasn't really a part of our group, and it wasn't really cool of him to suddenly feel like he was one of us. Both Laura and I had the vibe that Sean had a thing for one of them, and that people might eventually get hurt.

The ultimate point is, Lisa, Ramona and Sean are acting like this type of behavior is normal, like we're one mega-group now, and that's it's all cool. IT'S NOT! The Boosh crew is what matters most to me, to be honest. It's not cool that Ramona and Lisa feel that they can come with us to Vegas to see LOVE and they feel like Sean is totally part of it. I don't appreciate them calling us+Sean : the Boosh crew. It's really not. I feel like the three of them have tried to insert themselves in a group that really isn't there's, or really any of their business to join. Trini hasn't even met them yet, and she's such a big part of our group, she's like our anchor.

As much as possible, I try to get Boosh infusions, where it's just us, because that's what it all boils down to, essentially. In the past, bringing in people has only added unnecessary drama, and I don't want any part of it. I don't want Sean to hook up with my high school friends, I hate when Lisa acts like she was there for something that she wasn't, and goes on about it like she knows everything. I'm annoyed with her whining and complaining about being trapped and going to Hawaii. I'm tired of Ramona talking about Scott Pilgrim and about Sean. Don't go around calling people by certain nicknames and not knowing the reason. I know it sounds possessive, but these are my friends, and frankly, I don't care if they stay floaters, and that they only show up like once a month or less. I'm tired of their disrespect for Paul. He's underage! He can't be out late, he shouldn't be drinking a lot, and going out to bars all the time and having get togethers without him is just plain rude and unfair. Please take him into consideration when you make plans. They are not Boosh crew. At all. A part of me wishes that they never got to meet, and that things could carry on the way they were.

I know this post is angry, and I'm probably all crazed because of the hormones, but I'm just so tired of it all. I am seriously counting down the days when Trini gets back, in the even that she can bring some normality back into our group.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Frankly, I've had a lot of free time, and I'm using it more wisely, I think. so what's on the menu you ask?

• World cup action, baby! I admit, I do appreciate football/soccer. I think it's an absolutely fascinating sport and I have to commend the people who play it. It looks incredibly difficult. In any case, I'm more of a fair-weather fan, with the intention of getting more into it. I'm really just so fascinated by it all. Of course, I'm rooting on Team USA, but I do have to admit that other countries have superior programs and so I expect a lot of success from the others.
• Books, books, books! Some were bought, others were from the library.
• Gym. I realize that I have to be healthier. I've put on weight over the years, and I'm hoping to get it off. Overall, I just want the endorphins.
• Lab work. It's taking up a bit of time, and I love it.

My friends and I plan on going to Vegas soon to watch the Beatles "LOVE" Cirque du Soleil show. I can't wait. I've been listening to the music for months now. I know that the last post was rather gloomy, and a lot of that hasn't changed at all, but I am more upbeat about it than just offing myself.

recent updates

I've walked at commencement, and have one semester left of my undergraduate career. Honestly, I'm terrified. At the graduation dinner, so many people came up to me and said how proud they were of me, and congratulated me on my achievement. To be honest, I didn't really feel deserving of their praise. I wasn't really a college graduate that night, yet they showered me with gifts. I walked on the commencement lawn, knowing that I'd be coming to the same university campus in a few months, back in the same classrooms. Ultimately, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the "real world", where I'd have to look for a job, interview for a position, and make a living for myself. To prep myself for this, I've looked at different job-seeking websites and looked up jobs that were associated with what i had been studying at university. The process made me incredibly sad. I lacked any real experience, and all the positions seemed to have rather hefty requirements. All in all, I'm just not ready to take the next step.As a result, I've been trying to keep myself busy, to make it seem like my day's not a waste of time. I've been at the research lab, out shopping, going for walks, just to get out of the house.

The job hunting process isn't the only thing getting me down. Lately, I've been feeling rather empty and lonely. I mean, yes, I have friends and I see them rather regularly, but I feel this disconnect. I don't know what's wrong with me. I essentially feel like I have no one to talk to, just letting the feelings simmer inside. the lonely feelings. the sad feelings. Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever find a meaning to my existence? Does anyone care?

I'm not one to resort to horrible things like harming myself. Plus, my current reading material doesn't really support that line of thinking. The summertime, despite its horrible weather and absolute free time, I've started reading books again, simply for the sake of reading, not because I have a paper due the next day. For some reason, I've been drawn to non-fiction writing, and after the whole international incident with the submarine sinking between North Korea and South Korea, I've picked up some books on the lives of people who defected from North Korea. It's just something I don't really know about, or rather, the world doesn't really know about. I found it fascinating and heart-breaking at the same time. I guess in a way it's really helped me stay positive. It makes me feel grateful that I have a roof over my head, that I have the freedom to do things, that the society I live in treats women well. I wish there was a way that I could help them.

Also, the free time has really let me get all fanciful about my future. I want to visit UNESCO heritage sites, take a trip across the Trans-Siberian railway, from Moscow all the way to Vladivostok. I want to see the glaciers in the US before global warming causes them to disappear forever. I want to see the fjords in Norway. Is it bad that I want to do this more than I want a laboratory position? I mean, granted, i do love my microbes, but I find this all so fascinating too. A part of wishes that i could go back in time, and declare myself as a history major, exploring different cultures and events over time. I just sometimes wish I was stronger, and that I wasn't so afraid.

Be the Jedi.

I feel like my life is quickly changing. The commencement ceremony is pretty much right around the corner, and with it, graduation and the “real world”. So many of my classmates are ready to go, at full speed, looking to the future that lies in front of them. They already know where they’re going with their lives: doctor, optometrist, nurse, teacher, clinical lab scientist, businessman, nutritionist, etc. I still don’t know where exactly I’m going. Initially, I though that I was destined for pharmacy school, that I would get my bachelor’s degree, and then be a pharmacist. Now that I’ve taken more classes and learned more about myself, I don’t really think that I belong there. I hate organic chemistry and structure, and I’m not interested in kinetics or inhibitors. I know that once you’re done with pharmacy school, the information you really need to know is about the medications. Yet, I don’t want to be stuck in school for 4 years, studying something that I don’t really find any interest in.

On the other hand, I have other friends that I like to spend time with a lot. I really think that time flies by when we hang out. I finally feel like I’m part of something. At the same time, I worry about it lasting, or essentially, not lasting. One is going to grad school in Chicago. Another is off to art school in San Francisco. Someone else is off to Las Vegas in a year to study culinary school. I constantly have this feeling that I’m being left behind, that I have all my contemporaries pursuing their dreams, going out into the world and doing something with their lives. I don’t want it to end.

Today I watched that movie “Men Who Stare at Goats”, and I think it was trying to tell me something. Sometimes we don’t really know where we’re going, or what exactly we’re destined to do or become. Life gives us little clues, and it’s up to us to interpret those clues and get on the right path. I like to think that we’re all part of something bigger. Like the movie, I always felt that I was different, that I didn’t exactly fit in with the people around me for some reason. I know that it’s childish and foolish to think that you have superpowers, or you’re particularly gifted in some way, but I just don’t know… I need to know what life has in store for me.

Emotional Rollercoaster

For some stupid reason, I'm upset. There really isn't any sort of major reasoning behind it, it's just that things aren't necesarily going my way and so I'm mad about it. Examples:

1. Signing up for group work. I accidentally signed up for a different group, and so I'm working with some people I'm not too familiar with. I am SO MAD about it. I can't even comprehend it.
2. Taking a class because I would know people and so I wouldn't have problems finding a partner. WRONG. I ended up having to reach out to random people because the professor asked us to find partners right away. It drives me crazy.
3. Making a fool of myself in front of the lab professor. I should be more active and much more devoted. Instead, I'm not looking too sharp.
4. Being nervous about presentations. I wish I wasn't rushing and being such a wuss.

GAHHH. I'm just so tired of all of this. I want the hormones to go away and just to be a much more balanced me.