Happiness is a Warm Gun

Frankly, I've had a lot of free time, and I'm using it more wisely, I think. so what's on the menu you ask?

• World cup action, baby! I admit, I do appreciate football/soccer. I think it's an absolutely fascinating sport and I have to commend the people who play it. It looks incredibly difficult. In any case, I'm more of a fair-weather fan, with the intention of getting more into it. I'm really just so fascinated by it all. Of course, I'm rooting on Team USA, but I do have to admit that other countries have superior programs and so I expect a lot of success from the others.
• Books, books, books! Some were bought, others were from the library.
• Gym. I realize that I have to be healthier. I've put on weight over the years, and I'm hoping to get it off. Overall, I just want the endorphins.
• Lab work. It's taking up a bit of time, and I love it.

My friends and I plan on going to Vegas soon to watch the Beatles "LOVE" Cirque du Soleil show. I can't wait. I've been listening to the music for months now. I know that the last post was rather gloomy, and a lot of that hasn't changed at all, but I am more upbeat about it than just offing myself.

recent updates

I've walked at commencement, and have one semester left of my undergraduate career. Honestly, I'm terrified. At the graduation dinner, so many people came up to me and said how proud they were of me, and congratulated me on my achievement. To be honest, I didn't really feel deserving of their praise. I wasn't really a college graduate that night, yet they showered me with gifts. I walked on the commencement lawn, knowing that I'd be coming to the same university campus in a few months, back in the same classrooms. Ultimately, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the "real world", where I'd have to look for a job, interview for a position, and make a living for myself. To prep myself for this, I've looked at different job-seeking websites and looked up jobs that were associated with what i had been studying at university. The process made me incredibly sad. I lacked any real experience, and all the positions seemed to have rather hefty requirements. All in all, I'm just not ready to take the next step.As a result, I've been trying to keep myself busy, to make it seem like my day's not a waste of time. I've been at the research lab, out shopping, going for walks, just to get out of the house.

The job hunting process isn't the only thing getting me down. Lately, I've been feeling rather empty and lonely. I mean, yes, I have friends and I see them rather regularly, but I feel this disconnect. I don't know what's wrong with me. I essentially feel like I have no one to talk to, just letting the feelings simmer inside. the lonely feelings. the sad feelings. Will I ever fall in love? Will I ever find a meaning to my existence? Does anyone care?

I'm not one to resort to horrible things like harming myself. Plus, my current reading material doesn't really support that line of thinking. The summertime, despite its horrible weather and absolute free time, I've started reading books again, simply for the sake of reading, not because I have a paper due the next day. For some reason, I've been drawn to non-fiction writing, and after the whole international incident with the submarine sinking between North Korea and South Korea, I've picked up some books on the lives of people who defected from North Korea. It's just something I don't really know about, or rather, the world doesn't really know about. I found it fascinating and heart-breaking at the same time. I guess in a way it's really helped me stay positive. It makes me feel grateful that I have a roof over my head, that I have the freedom to do things, that the society I live in treats women well. I wish there was a way that I could help them.

Also, the free time has really let me get all fanciful about my future. I want to visit UNESCO heritage sites, take a trip across the Trans-Siberian railway, from Moscow all the way to Vladivostok. I want to see the glaciers in the US before global warming causes them to disappear forever. I want to see the fjords in Norway. Is it bad that I want to do this more than I want a laboratory position? I mean, granted, i do love my microbes, but I find this all so fascinating too. A part of wishes that i could go back in time, and declare myself as a history major, exploring different cultures and events over time. I just sometimes wish I was stronger, and that I wasn't so afraid.

Be the Jedi.

I feel like my life is quickly changing. The commencement ceremony is pretty much right around the corner, and with it, graduation and the “real world”. So many of my classmates are ready to go, at full speed, looking to the future that lies in front of them. They already know where they’re going with their lives: doctor, optometrist, nurse, teacher, clinical lab scientist, businessman, nutritionist, etc. I still don’t know where exactly I’m going. Initially, I though that I was destined for pharmacy school, that I would get my bachelor’s degree, and then be a pharmacist. Now that I’ve taken more classes and learned more about myself, I don’t really think that I belong there. I hate organic chemistry and structure, and I’m not interested in kinetics or inhibitors. I know that once you’re done with pharmacy school, the information you really need to know is about the medications. Yet, I don’t want to be stuck in school for 4 years, studying something that I don’t really find any interest in.

On the other hand, I have other friends that I like to spend time with a lot. I really think that time flies by when we hang out. I finally feel like I’m part of something. At the same time, I worry about it lasting, or essentially, not lasting. One is going to grad school in Chicago. Another is off to art school in San Francisco. Someone else is off to Las Vegas in a year to study culinary school. I constantly have this feeling that I’m being left behind, that I have all my contemporaries pursuing their dreams, going out into the world and doing something with their lives. I don’t want it to end.

Today I watched that movie “Men Who Stare at Goats”, and I think it was trying to tell me something. Sometimes we don’t really know where we’re going, or what exactly we’re destined to do or become. Life gives us little clues, and it’s up to us to interpret those clues and get on the right path. I like to think that we’re all part of something bigger. Like the movie, I always felt that I was different, that I didn’t exactly fit in with the people around me for some reason. I know that it’s childish and foolish to think that you have superpowers, or you’re particularly gifted in some way, but I just don’t know… I need to know what life has in store for me.

Emotional Rollercoaster

For some stupid reason, I'm upset. There really isn't any sort of major reasoning behind it, it's just that things aren't necesarily going my way and so I'm mad about it. Examples:

1. Signing up for group work. I accidentally signed up for a different group, and so I'm working with some people I'm not too familiar with. I am SO MAD about it. I can't even comprehend it.
2. Taking a class because I would know people and so I wouldn't have problems finding a partner. WRONG. I ended up having to reach out to random people because the professor asked us to find partners right away. It drives me crazy.
3. Making a fool of myself in front of the lab professor. I should be more active and much more devoted. Instead, I'm not looking too sharp.
4. Being nervous about presentations. I wish I wasn't rushing and being such a wuss.

GAHHH. I'm just so tired of all of this. I want the hormones to go away and just to be a much more balanced me.

Fight On!

Tonight, Manny Pacquiao is fighting Miguel Cotto. As a huge Filipino icon, there's bound to be parties and get-togethers tonight to watch the big fight. My family is no exception. Plus, it's my brother's birthday, and so there's bound to be some extra fun. Go Manny!

I changed the layout. Again. Unfortunately, my tastes change far too often, and I don't even know how long I'm going to keep this layout. As for now, it's good. Also, I changed the title of the blog, and the tagline. I think it encapsulated more about who I am. I may not know where I'm going in life, or what exactly I want and need in life, but I always know that I should really stop dwelling on the negative and really start looking at what I can do better, or look at my own situation in comparison to others. I'm in a pretty good situation, and as a woman, I feel incredibly grateful that I don't experience any sort of major injustices that women experience in general throughout the world.

The title of this post really is just to be much more positive. I've got a gnarly schedule next week, and I have to keep pushing on, or try to be motivated about studying. It's definitely not going to be easy, but I have to try. I didn't do well on the first exam for genetics, and I feel pressured to do much better, like a B. There's a lot of work to do, as some of the processes are not easy to grasp. I just need to motivate myself, that's all.

It's tough right now to be motivated- the Lakers have games, I think I have a crush on one of my friends in my T/Th meetups, and I have to be focused. Wish me luck!

Lab update

hmmm. I'm running an experiment and there's a lot of downtime. How do I spend it? By wasting time and taking quizzes on facebook of course!

What's your Inner Nationality? GERMAN. You are precise yet romantic, efficient yet dreamy, friendly yet somewhat suspicious of others. You rarely smile, but when you do it's very meaningful. You like it best when there is a group consensus, and yet you are easily annoyed by the slowness and/or stupidity of others. Sometimes you think that if only you could live on an island or move to some wonderful place far away, everything would be better, and if you can't realize this dream you often lose yourself in books/vacations/recipes/sports -- anything for an escape! All in all, however, you make your peace with life, and have many old friends.

Ok, never mind. I realize I should be a lot more productive. I just read what I wrote this morning, and yeah, I should follow it. Until next time!

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life/Semester Update!

So it's nearing the midpoint of the semester. Hmmm. Unfortunately, I feel that I've been rather mediocre in a lot of my classes and I think I'm ready to step it up. At least, I'll have to try in some capacity. So here's what's going on:

• In the lab, I've been feeling a bit guilty- I haven't really been spending too much time here, and I feel like I really need to be taking some time out of my day to really devote myself to it, instead of just kinda going when I want to. I also am feeling a bit weird, as I'm hardly ever talking to the professor leading the lab. You'd think that we'd be spending more time together, but apparently not. It's just been sorta awkward. I think I need to exert more effort on that front too.
• Genetics it taking up a lot of time. The professor isn't as scary as before, but she does keep you on your toes. Have to keep working. Lots of reading. I still haven't gotten back my first exam, so I'm still tentative as to how I'm approaching this class, and whether or not I need to crank it up a notch or what.
  
• Biochem is a really tough class. unfortunately, I'm not really spending a lot of time with it. It's hard to focus on something that I frankly don't find that interesting. I have a quiz on Thursday, so I'll have to work on it more.
• Mycology is so irritating. It's such an easy class, yet I'm getting a B in it. I'm working waaay to hard to just get a B. I want a A. It's 5 units!
• Molec Cell is just like the unwanted child. No attention at all. I want an A in that too, but I got a high C/low B on that test. It's tricky, since all the questions are multiple choice. Thankfully, it's a furlough day, as I've been fighting back sleep every time I'm in that class.

Over the weekend, I saw the musical Spamalot and I found it absolutely enjoyable/hilarious. I am not Dead yet! Hopefully, when I get more money, I can get Monty Python and the Holy Grail on DVD. Absolutely brilliant. Also, I introduced my friend to mineral makeup. OMG she loves it. I swear by this stuff, so I'm really happy to spread the joy all around.

Unfortunately, I'm still unemployed, but I'm dealing with it. I'm not actively looking for a job, and I've got a lot on my plate already.

Over the weekend, I was watching old episodes of House and I realized how much I love the old episodes. The dynamic between House and the other characters, especially his team, was just so much better. The new characters just suck. Whiny and honestly take a lot of the plot. I don't really think anyone else really likes them either. Chase. Cameron. Foreman. That's the way to go. and more Wilson too. and cuddy. especially when Cuddy and Wilson are acting like House's parents, dealing with a petulant child.

Oh, and Jim and Pam got married! So sweet. I loved that episode. Classic Office. I honestly couldn't stop laughing when Dwight kicked the bridesmaid in the face! LOL and poor Andy, getting a rip in his scrotum!

And I know this is getting ridiculous with all the television shows, but OMG I love the show Glee! So fantastic. It really is a breath of fresh air. Plus, the songs are just great. Honestly, that's pretty much all I listen to now.